Socially UNacceptable Humor

hermosabeach

Confused Coffee Drinker
Feb 13, 2012
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Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant "Steve's Place" and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired "Why the spoon?"
"Well" he explained "the restaurant's owner hired a consulting company to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
"If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift".

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now".
I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our
you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well" he whispered "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon"
 
Dec 2, 2011
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Adelaide, South Australia
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual encounters; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a sexually transmitted disease to his sister-in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived" said the politician "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession".

Moral of the story: Don't be late.
 

AndreC

Sergeant of the Hide
Jun 5, 2018
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A cowboy rode into a quiet town, and being very thirsty went into the nearest saloon.

On the wall behind the bar, was a sign:

"Beer $0.25, Hamburger $0.50, Barrel $1.00".

After his first beer, he ordered a hamburger, and another beer to wash it down with.

He says to the bartender: "You know, I've been on the trail a long time; where does a man go in this town, to take care of his 'needs'?"

The bartender says: "Well sir, there aren't any women in this town, so us men usually go out back here and use the barrel."

The cowboy thinks about it, and then says - "It really has been a long time, ahh, what the hell?"; He pays his $1.00, and the bartender points him towards a door at the back of the bar. Walking through it, the cowboy finds himself in a small courtyard, with a large oak barrel with a hole in it 'at the right height'.

He thinks about it, and decides to go for it. After finishing, he comes back in, and says to the bartender:

"That really wasn't bad at all, a lot better than I expected it'd be; if I stay in town for a bit, can I use that barrel every day?"

The barkeep replies:

"Well sir, today's Saturday; you could use the barrel Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday..."

"Why can't I use it on Friday?"

"Well sir, that's when it's your turn in the barrel!"
 

Hundo

New Hide Member
Jul 12, 2018
42
7
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Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Two lesbians apply at an Adoption Agency.
The counselor says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."

How did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
He ate a 3-year-old wiener.

A guy walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Seems you've got a stuttering problem."
The guy says, "N-n-no sh-sh-shit."
The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she sucked me off three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since."
The guy says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."
A week later, the same guy walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"
The guy says, "I d-d-did. It d-d-didn't w-w-wrork. B-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really nice apartment."

Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, " See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."

A lady goes to see her doctor and says, "Doc, my back really hurts when I have sex."
The doctor says, "Which position do you use?"
The lady says, "We always do it doggie style."
The doctor says, That's your problem. Try using the missionary position."
She says, "I can't do that. My dog has terrible breath."

One gay guy is trying to convince the other gay guy that he's pregnant.
The second guy says, "Well, if you are pregnant, who's the father?"
The first guy says, "How should I know? Do I have eyes in the back of my head?"

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.

Why do doctors spank babies when they're born?
To knock the dicks off the stupid ones.

A Polish guy's in bed with a girl...
He says, "You're flat and you're tight."
She says, "Get off my back."

Did you hear about the Polish guy whose wife had triplets?
He went looking for the other two guys.
Great stuff
 
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