A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual encounters; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a sexually transmitted disease to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived" said the politician "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession".
A cowboy rode into a quiet town, and being very thirsty went into the nearest saloon.
On the wall behind the bar, was a sign:
"Beer $0.25, Hamburger $0.50, Barrel $1.00".
After his first beer, he ordered a hamburger, and another beer to wash it down with.
He says to the bartender: "You know, I've been on the trail a long time; where does a man go in this town, to take care of his 'needs'?"
The bartender says: "Well sir, there aren't any women in this town, so us men usually go out back here and use the barrel."
The cowboy thinks about it, and then says - "It really has been a long time, ahh, what the hell?"; He pays his $1.00, and the bartender points him towards a door at the back of the bar. Walking through it, the cowboy finds himself in a small courtyard, with a large oak barrel with a hole in it 'at the right height'.
He thinks about it, and decides to go for it. After finishing, he comes back in, and says to the bartender:
"That really wasn't bad at all, a lot better than I expected it'd be; if I stay in town for a bit, can I use that barrel every day?"
The barkeep replies:
"Well sir, today's Saturday; you could use the barrel Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday..."
"Why can't I use it on Friday?"
"Well sir, that's when it's your turn in the barrel!"
Two lesbians apply at an Adoption Agency.
The counselor says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."
How did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
He ate a 3-year-old wiener.
A guy walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Seems you've got a stuttering problem."
The guy says, "N-n-no sh-sh-shit."
The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she sucked me off three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since."
The guy says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."
A week later, the same guy walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"
The guy says, "I d-d-did. It d-d-didn't w-w-wrork. B-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really nice apartment."
Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, " See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."
A lady goes to see her doctor and says, "Doc, my back really hurts when I have sex."
The doctor says, "Which position do you use?"
The lady says, "We always do it doggie style."
The doctor says, That's your problem. Try using the missionary position."
She says, "I can't do that. My dog has terrible breath."
One gay guy is trying to convince the other gay guy that he's pregnant.
The second guy says, "Well, if you are pregnant, who's the father?"
The first guy says, "How should I know? Do I have eyes in the back of my head?"
How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.
Why do doctors spank babies when they're born?
To knock the dicks off the stupid ones.
A Polish guy's in bed with a girl...
He says, "You're flat and you're tight."
She says, "Get off my back."
Did you hear about the Polish guy whose wife had triplets?
He went looking for the other two guys.
NATIONAL Man who had sex with horse said it gave consent by winking at him
Jarrard Potter, Grafton Daily Examiner
July 19, 2018 6:26am
A NSW man jailed for having sex with a horse told police the horse gave him consent by winking at him, a court has heard.
A Grafton horse trainer said the filly was left “traumatised” after Daniel Raymond Webb-Jackson, 31, committed two sexual acts with the horse when he broke into stables on Turf St earlier this year.
Webb-Jackson pleaded not guilty to committing an act of cruelty to an animal when he broke into stables on January 22.
The trainer said he and his staff suspected disturbances at the stables in the month before, and installed CCTV cameras as a security measure.
When the cameras triggered an alarm on the evening of January 22, a trainer saw Webb-Jackson opening a number of stables and called the police.
Police found Webb-Jackson crouching in the corner of a fourth open stable, where he was arrested after a short scuffle with police and taken to Grafton police station.
During police interviews Webb-Jackson admitted to committing two sexual acts with a horse.
He told police the filly smelt his crotch and winked at him, which he believed was the animal giving consent, The Daily Examiner of Grafton reported.
The trainer said he was preparing the horse to race, but the incident had changed the demeanour of the animal dramatically.
“She is only a little two-year-old and we had to put her out in the paddock,” the trainer said.
“The filly went from being quiet to just being highly strung, she changed in 24 hours. We had to put her in the paddock to try and get her head right.
“You don’t want to see this sort of thing happening, it’s really sick stuff.”
In her judgment, Magistrate Karen Stafford said the basis of the animal cruelty act was to ensure humans protected the welfare and the manner of treatment of animals, and the definition of cruelty must be considered in light of the objective of the act.
She said the two sexual acts — allowing a horse to fellate Webb-Jackson and digitally penetrating the horse — amounted to acts of cruelty.
Webb-Jackson was jailed for 10 months with a non-parole period of four months and was also fined $700. With time served, he will be eligible for release next week.
Originally published as Man claims horse gave consent