Socially UNacceptable Humor

mortman

Sergeant
Belligerents
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Bill Clinton was seen leaving the hospital where his wife was being treated for a concussion. A reporter stopped him and said, "Mr. President...how's Hillary's head" to which he replied, "Well...she's no Monica"
 

Chingon

Sergeant
Belligerents
Apr 28, 2012
481
24
34
43
NOVA
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

What do broccoli and anal sex have in common???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
If you din't like it as a kid, you're not gonna like it as an adult either...
 

Decoy

Nobody
Belligerents
Jan 5, 2010
719
3,100
99
Washington
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

A dudes wife comes home from the mall all pissed off.

She tells her husband to go give the shoe salesman a beating.

He said WTF?

Well I was trying on a couple pairs of shoes and had forgot my undies. He looked up between my legs and said lady I could eat that full of ice cream.

The husband said " I'm not going to kick his ass for 3 reasons".

One - I told you not to do anymore shopping
Two - I told you not to leave the house without underwear again.
Three - There is no way I going to fuck with anyone that can eat that much ice cream!
 

limbhanga

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jul 3, 2007
104
0
0
52
Alabama
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Decoy</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A dudes wife comes home from the mall all pissed off.

She tells her husband to go give the shoe salesman a beating.

He said WTF?

Well I was trying on a couple pairs of shoes and had forgot my undies. He looked up between my legs and said lady I could eat that full of ice cream.

The husband said " I'm not going to kick his ass for 3 reasons".

One - I told you not to do anymore shopping
Two - I told you not to leave the house without underwear again.
Three - There is no way I going to fuck with anyone that can eat that much ice cream!</div></div>

Bravo!
 

Megahoser

Shogun of the Higher Steppes
Belligerents
Dec 4, 2007
193
2
22
Base of the Rockies, CO
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Heard this one from a bum on Duval Street in Key West...said he'd make me laugh for a beer.

<span style="font-style: italic">What do Michael Jackson and Oysters have in common?

...they both come on little crackers.</span>


I bought him two beers.
 

Ol Rob

Sergeant
Belligerents
Mar 16, 2008
452
0
18
53
Tifton, Ga.
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

How many men does it take to open a beer? == Zero, it should be open when SHE brings it.
 

Decoy

Nobody
Belligerents
Jan 5, 2010
719
3,100
99
Washington
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
 

Maggot

Laffin atcha unowho
Belligerents
Jul 27, 2007
10,158
4,860
219
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Decoy</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. " </div></div>

Careful now, Shank may get upset if he hears you dissing his ladies.
 

DP425

I’d rather be sleeping
Belligerents
Feb 28, 2009
3,237
53
154
MI
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Too over the top



Ha... sorry... grunt humor doesn't belong in public I suppose.
 

xs hedspace

hippie redneck geezer
Belligerents
Jan 19, 2005
150
0
0
Bearsville, NY
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Showed up with the Honor Guard at a burial for a WW@ vet, and the story was that both he and his wife were cremated. Only one round hole was in the ground when we arrived(before the hearse and mourners), so I said "Wonder if they had an agreement about who gets to be on top?"
"Yer a sick MF'r!" from the Commander. Turns out she was being buried at another cemetery. Guess they didn't get along well....
 

MtnCreek

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jan 6, 2012
6,928
9,906
219
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

A couple of guys were standing around talking about how good friends they are.

One guy said they couldn’t do anything to make the other mad.

The other guy said “What if I got your wife pregnant; would that make you mad?”

“No. That would make us even.”
 
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runningwithscissors

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jan 25, 2013
139
5
0
41
New York
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Decoy</div><div class="ubbcode-body">"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

</div></div>

Hahaha...thanks for bringing this thread back....loved this one!!!!
 
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NMMX

Private
Belligerents
Jan 3, 2012
56
2
0
33
ABQ, NM
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

A grandfather and grandson are sitting on a porch.

Grandson says, "Grandpa can I have some of your beer?"

Grandfather says, "Well son, I don't know if your old enough. Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandson "Well no, it can't"

Grandfather "I'm sorry boy but your not old enough to drink beer"

A day goes by and the grandfather and grandson are sitting on the porch again.

Grandson "Grandpa, can I have one of your cigars?"

Grandfather says, "Well son, I don't know if your old enough. Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandson "Well no, it can't"

Grandfather "I'm sorry boy but your not old enough to smoke"

A day goes by and the grandfather and grandson are sitting on the porch again.

The grandson is drinking a coke and the grandpa says "son let me have a drink of that."

The boy looks at him and says "Well grandpa I don't know, can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandfather "Well yes, it can"

Grandson "Good, now go fuck yourself, cause this is mine"

 

runningwithscissors

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jan 25, 2013
139
5
0
41
New York
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: NMMX</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A grandfather and grandson are sitting on a porch.

Grandson says, "Grandpa can I have some of your beer?"

Grandfather says, "Well son, I don't know if your old enough. Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandson "Well no, it can't"

Grandfather "I'm sorry boy but your not old enough to drink beer"

A day goes by and the grandfather and grandson are sitting on the porch again.

Grandson "Grandpa, can I have one of your cigars?"

Grandfather says, "Well son, I don't know if your old enough. Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandson "Well no, it can't"

Grandfather "I'm sorry boy but your not old enough to smoke"

A day goes by and the grandfather and grandson are sitting on the porch again.

The grandson is drinking a coke and the grandpa says "son let me have a drink of that."

The boy looks at him and says "Well grandpa I don't know, can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandfather "Well yes, it can"

Grandson "Good, now go fuck yourself, cause this is mine"

</div></div>.


Lmao now THAT'S funny!
 

runningwithscissors

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jan 25, 2013
139
5
0
41
New York
helicopter

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' ; Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
 
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mrhog

Major Payne
Belligerents
Dec 8, 2009
17
4
0
68
central florida(polk county)
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor



I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over North Dakota. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’


I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer..., how did I know they wanted the name of a country?



­­
 

runningwithscissors

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jan 25, 2013
139
5
0
41
New York
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

A man boarded a plane with six small children. Once situated a lady leaned across the isle and said, " wow, are they all yours?" The man replied," no, I work for a condom company, these are customer complaints"
 

runningwithscissors

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jan 25, 2013
139
5
0
41
New York
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: merrjm</div><div class="ubbcode-body">best part about dating a homeless girl???





it doesnt matter where you drop her off at </div></div>


Wow
lol
 

shamrockcattleco

Private
Belligerents
Apr 9, 2012
26
1
0
35
Iowa
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."
 

runningwithscissors

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jan 25, 2013
139
5
0
41
New York
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: shamrockcattle</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick." </div></div>


hahaha..good one
 

DavidK

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jul 27, 2006
1,004
514
219
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

A tranny from a Hummer is expensive.

A hummer from a tranny is cheap
 

Maggot

Laffin atcha unowho
Belligerents
Jul 27, 2007
10,158
4,860
219
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: aloreman</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Whats the best part about fucking 28 year olds..............theres 20 of them </div></div>

OOhhhhhhK?
 

pinsandpitons

Sergeant of the Hide
Belligerents
Jan 13, 2012
430
2
18
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Or the associated form....

"What does (did?) Micheal Jackson love about 28 year olds?"
"That there are 20 of them."
 

ssgp2

Sergeant
Belligerents
May 9, 2004
920
5
0
56
montreal,Canada
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
 

Maggot

Laffin atcha unowho
Belligerents
Jul 27, 2007
10,158
4,860
219
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor



In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
 

augnmike

Sergeant
Belligerents
Mar 28, 2007
303
0
0
64
Brea, CA
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

A son asked his mother the following question:

' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:

' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'



The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!!
 

runningwithscissors

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jan 25, 2013
139
5
0
41
New York
materialistic lawyer

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out,
a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's
door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the
accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started
screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just
purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the
same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers
are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you
neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!"... screamed the lawyer "My Rolex!"
 
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Maggot

Laffin atcha unowho
Belligerents
Jul 27, 2007
10,158
4,860
219
Re: materialistic lawyer

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: runningwithscissor</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out,
a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's
door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the
accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started
screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just
purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the
same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers
are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you
neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!"... screamed the lawyer "My Rolex!"
</div></div>

Sad but true.
 

ORD

Montani Semper Liberi
Belligerents
Nov 12, 2005
6,151
7
0
Morgantown, WV, USA
Re: materialistic lawyer

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: maggot</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: runningwithscissor</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out,
a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's
door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the
accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started
screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just
purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the
same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers
are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you
neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!"... screamed the lawyer "My Rolex!"
</div></div>

Sad but true.
</div></div>

Damn!! Another case of 99% of the profession giving the rest of us 1% a bad name!!!
F@#$ing savages!
 

Radar360

Sergeant
Belligerents
May 6, 2010
521
4
0
N. Tx
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: maggot</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Decoy</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I have a great bird dog and a hippy couple came up and started to pet him ( he was not impressed with them), they then asked me if I ever tried to breed him.

I told them " Yea, a couple of times but he always tries to bite me"

They kinda laughed and ran away:) </div></div>
Thats funny. </div></div>

Agree, that is funny.
 

Radar360

Sergeant
Belligerents
May 6, 2010
521
4
0
N. Tx
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

A young boy who liked to play catch but parents would punish him for playing indoors found himself alone in the house and began to throw the ball up and catch it with his baseball glove. Suddenly he heard his mom and some other man with her so he quickly hid in the closet. He overheard his mom and the other man making passionate love for almost a half hour when the woman's husband (the boy's father) called out that he had arrived home.

The other man quickly ran into the closet to hide. The mother/wife quickly greeted the father/husband and convinced him that she's been waiting for him in bed.

The boy who is in the closet with the other man, whispers, "it's sort of dark in here." "yes" says the man. "Do you want to buy a baseball?". Realizing he was being blackmailed, he asked, "how much". "$250". sighing he agreed. They waited and finanally the couple felt asleep. The boy got $250 and all was well.

A few weeks later, the same thing happened. The boy was throwing the glove up and catching it. And his mom had brought the same man for an afternoon of passion. Once again, the boy hid in the closet and the cheating couple went into their session. But again, the father came home early and the other man again found himself in the closet with the boy who was already there hiding.

"it's dark in here." "yes". "Want to buy a baseball glove?" Big sigh, "ok, how much?" "$750." "750!? Oh well, Fine"

That weekend the father says to his son, lets' play catch. "I sold the ball and glove" "Sold? How much did you get?" "$1000" "oh, you're lying, no one will pay that much for that old ball and glove. You will need to go to confession".

So the father takes the son to confession to confess his lie. When the boy enter the confessional, and sees the priest, he says, "it's dark in here". Priest says, "oh no!, please don't start that in here."
 

Radar360

Sergeant
Belligerents
May 6, 2010
521
4
0
N. Tx
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

A guy goes into a bar and says to his friend, guess what?! I was taking a short cut by the tracks and I found a girl tied up on the tracks. I untied her and we began to make every kind of love making imaginable. Wow, says his friend. So you got the blow job you been wanting? No, I wasn't able to find her head.
 

Decoy

Nobody
Belligerents
Jan 5, 2010
719
3,100
99
Washington
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Wife threw me some cash and told me to go out and buy some pills to help me get an erection.

Jumped in the truck and came back with a big bottle of diet pills and gave them to her.

Last thing I remember...........
 
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dohnuts58

Sergeant
Belligerents
Nov 27, 2009
607
2
18
34
the big MO
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

99% of black guys enjoy sex in the show, the rest havent been to jail
 

mrhog

Major Payne
Belligerents
Dec 8, 2009
17
4
0
68
central florida(polk county)
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

OLD COW DIED


Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop.
Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old. "You were driving,
so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy. Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy. The chauffeur replies,
"When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and
the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy. "I just knocked on the door
and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
__________________
 

Force_Multiplier

Gunny Sergeant
Belligerents
May 22, 2008
1,008
3
0
46
McAlester, Oklahoma
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Decoy</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Wife threw me some cash and told me to go out and buy some pills to help me get an erection.

Jumped in the truck and came back with a big bottle of diet pills and gave them to her.

Last thing I remember...........</div></div>


LMFAO!!!!
 

Maggot

Laffin atcha unowho
Belligerents
Jul 27, 2007
10,158
4,860
219
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: mrhog</div><div class="ubbcode-body">OLD COW DIED


Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop.
Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old. "You were driving,
so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy. Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy. The chauffeur replies,
"When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and
the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy. "I just knocked on the door
and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

Chaching
__________________
</div></div>Chaching
 

runningwithscissors

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jan 25, 2013
139
5
0
41
New York
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come
 
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Decoy

Nobody
Belligerents
Jan 5, 2010
719
3,100
99
Washington
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Square Testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,'$165,000'.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.

Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,

'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada!'