Socially UNacceptable Humor

Duc

Sergeant
Belligerents
Oct 16, 2007
558
393
69
NE. Illinios
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest 'member' she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went back to the thrift shop and got all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point:
The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend.

The Red Cross have just knocked at my door and asked if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said I would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
 

jericho

Private
Belligerents
Mar 18, 2009
2
0
2
43
ct
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

I knowI would be moaning if I had a black snake and Christina Ricci.
 

Alaskaman11

Gunny Sergeant
Belligerents
Jan 21, 2009
1,504
0
0
Last Frontier
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Megacab</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: BigJoe</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
</div></div>


Christina Ricci
Black Snake Moan
2006


Well played, sir. </div></div>

that was one fucked up movie!
 

yerbyray

Private
Belligerents
Aug 22, 2011
51
4
12
50
western North Carolina
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

A child and a Pedophile go walking in the woods together.
The child looks up and says, "I want to hold your hand, I'm a little scared."

The pedophile says, "You're scared. Hell I have to walk out of here alone!"
 
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finbox

Sergeant
Belligerents
Apr 3, 2009
273
1
22
46
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Boss calls worker:
Why didn't you come to work today?
I'm sick
You don't sound sick
I'm fucking my sister, is that sick enought for you?
 

Cornholeo

Sergeant
Belligerents
Sep 17, 2011
267
2
22
South of Ga.
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: High Binder</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
</div></div>

That is is wrong in so many ways...sorry I almost pissed myself laughing. So far sir you are the winner of the chicken dinner for this thread!
 

dogman

Sergeant
Belligerents
Nov 11, 2007
186
31
34
KAF
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Two lesbians apply at an Adoption Agency.
The counselor says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."

How did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
He ate a 3-year-old wiener.

A guy walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Seems you've got a stuttering problem."
The guy says, "N-n-no sh-sh-shit."
The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she sucked me off three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since."
The guy says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."
A week later, the same guy walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"
The guy says, "I d-d-did. It d-d-didn't w-w-wrork. B-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really nice apartment."

Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, " See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."

A lady goes to see her doctor and says, "Doc, my back really hurts when I have sex."
The doctor says, "Which position do you use?"
The lady says, "We always do it doggie style."
The doctor says, That's your problem. Try using the missionary position."
She says, "I can't do that. My dog has terrible breath."

One gay guy is trying to convince the other gay guy that he's pregnant.
The second guy says, "Well, if you are pregnant, who's the father?"
The first guy says, "How should I know? Do I have eyes in the back of my head?"

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.

Why do doctors spank babies when they're born?
To knock the dicks off the stupid ones.

A Polish guy's in bed with a girl...
He says, "You're flat and you're tight."
She says, "Get off my back."

Did you hear about the Polish guy whose wife had triplets?
He went looking for the other two guys.
 
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Da Shooter

Sergeant
Belligerents
Feb 27, 2011
188
0
0
58
FL
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Thanks guys I'm hunting and a 10 buck just blowed me.
 

Sledge1

Sergeant
Belligerents
Apr 18, 2008
532
347
69
48
Freakshow Illinois
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Buck Jam</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Thanks guys I'm hunting and a 10 buck just blowed me. </div></div>

Queer deer!
 
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dohnuts58

Sergeant
Belligerents
Nov 27, 2009
607
0
18
34
the big MO
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

American business man I Tokyo goes to a whore house, doin his thing when he slips out. Reinserts, and goes back to it even harder. The whore starts screaming "CHING-WAH, CHING-WAH" so he things he it doin it just right, or maybe it's true, white dicks are huge compared to asiatic.
The next night he goes back to the same whore house and picks a different girl. Again, smashing it for behind, takes a stroke too long, goes to reinsert, and it seems tighter than he thought. And again the whore starts screaming.
The following day he's out with some of his Asian counterpart golfing and he hits a hole in one, so thinking its something good, and he can show off his cultural diversity he shouts "CHING WAH!!"

His counterparts look at him and ask "Cowboy, why you shout wrong hole?"
 

Jethro3898

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jul 24, 2011
517
234
49
Dothan, AL
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Oddly, the only "socially unacceptable" joke I know:

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You've already told her twice.
 

shankster..

Gunny Sergeant
Belligerents
May 11, 2004
3,099
18
0
North Idaho
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<span style="font-weight: bold">How do you know a Hispanic robbed your house?</span>














<span style="font-weight: bold">Your bicycle is missing and your dog is pregnant.</span>
 

spartan67

Sergeant
Belligerents
Dec 24, 2009
538
1,038
99
central ny
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: shankster</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><span style="font-weight: bold">How do you know a Hispanic robbed your house?</span>








..and your garbage was eaten..





<span style="font-weight: bold">Your bicycle is missing and your dog is pregnant.</span></div></div>
 

timesublime

Sergeant
Belligerents
Nov 19, 2010
690
724
99
42
Colorado
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Cookie The Swede</div><div class="ubbcode-body">What do you call a woman with one black eye?

A bitch who listens. </div></div>

What do you tell a woman coming out of the hospital with two black eyes...

"Damn, you better get your ass back in the kitchen quick."
 

dohnuts58

Sergeant
Belligerents
Nov 27, 2009
607
0
18
34
the big MO
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

whats the first thing a woman doew when she gets out of the battered shelter?
the dishes if she knows whats good for her


the other night she asked "what's on tv?"
i told her dust, what are you gonna do about it?


why cant women snow ski?
there's no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen
 

tbird1960

Sergeant
Belligerents
May 23, 2012
118
1
22
77
Brazoria, Texas
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

In Memorium. With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which also went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.
 
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tbird1960

Sergeant
Belligerents
May 23, 2012
118
1
22
77
Brazoria, Texas
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

This is a true story! I had a fellow I worked with who appendix burst and he drove to the hospital which happened to be in San Antonio where they operated on him. When he came back to work we saw that he no longer had a belly button and that the surgeon had removed it and threw it away. I asked him if it was true that he had a Mexican doctor with a switchblade operate on him and he said yes. He really looked funny without a belly button.
 

Kinsman

Slacker
Belligerents
Feb 21, 2006
139
8
0
77
Dallas, Georgia
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

I read that there are 2500 battered women in my county, alone.

And all this time I have been eating them raw...
 

DavidK

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jul 27, 2006
833
264
69
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

It has recently discover that 30% of women are taking at least one prescription. The scary part is that means that 70% are off their meds
 

Maggot

Laffin atcha unowho
Belligerents
Jul 27, 2007
9,206
3,433
219
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: shankster</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
</div></div>Dont tell JRose.
 

John L

Sergeant
Belligerents
Apr 19, 2010
323
0
0
55
MI
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

What do you call a thousand Mexican's standing around your house?



A Spicket fence.
 

Maggot

Laffin atcha unowho
Belligerents
Jul 27, 2007
9,206
3,433
219
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: John L</div><div class="ubbcode-body">What do you call a thousand Mexican's standing around your house?



A Spicket fence. </div></div>

Old but good one...

what did Bill Travis say to Davy Crockett when he saw Santa Ana's army comeing..."Didnt know we were pouring concrete today."

I used to do construction around Austin and that one always breaks me up.
 

dohnuts58

Sergeant
Belligerents
Nov 27, 2009
607
0
18
34
the big MO
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: John L</div><div class="ubbcode-body">What do you call a thousand Mexican's standing around your house?



A Spicket fence. </div></div>

what do you call a thousand Asians standing around your house holding hands?

Chink link fence
 

Decoy

Nobody
Belligerents
Jan 5, 2010
684
2,767
99
Washington
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

I have a great bird dog and a hippy couple came up and started to pet him ( he was not impressed with them), they then asked me if I ever tried to breed him.

I told them " Yea, a couple of times but he always tries to bite me"

They kinda laughed and ran away:)
 

pdogsbeware

Private
Belligerents
Sep 10, 2011
8
0
2
31
Colorado/Minnesota
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

I wonder how my parents would feel if they knew the scarf they gave me for Christmas is only being used for a blindfold during sex...
 

Maggot

Laffin atcha unowho
Belligerents
Jul 27, 2007
9,206
3,433
219
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Decoy</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I have a great bird dog and a hippy couple came up and started to pet him ( he was not impressed with them), they then asked me if I ever tried to breed him.

I told them " Yea, a couple of times but he always tries to bite me"

They kinda laughed and ran away:) </div></div>
Thats funny.
 

pdogsbeware

Private
Belligerents
Sep 10, 2011
8
0
2
31
Colorado/Minnesota
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

I was dating this girl...she went down on me one time, and while humming the Star Wars theme song, she made light saber noises with my dick...

...2 months later we were married



Just saw this one on textsfromlastnight.com. "She said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered, 'Simba'"
 

spartan67

Sergeant
Belligerents
Dec 24, 2009
538
1,038
99
central ny
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: maggot</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Decoy</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I have a great bird dog and a hippy couple came up and started to pet him ( he was not impressed with them), they then asked me if I ever tried to breed him.

I told them " Yea, a couple of times but he always tries to bite me"

They kinda laughed and ran away:) </div></div>
Thats funny. </div></div>Funny