How fights start (for the married guys)

OptedOut

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jan 6, 2009
383
0
0
With my pending retirement my sister sent me these since I'll now be at home with my wife so much more!

How Fights Start...

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"


And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'>


'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'


And then the fight started.....
 

ZLBubba

Sergeant
Belligerents
Jan 15, 2009
829
11
22
40
Maryland
Re: How fights start (for the married guys)

+1 for some laughs while I'm reloading. I loved the fishing one.
 
G

Guest

Guest
Re: How fights start (for the married guys)

My wife was sleeping on the couch and her mouth was slightly opened. I went to the cabinet and returned with an aspirin.
I carefully dropped the aspirin in her mouth.

She immediately woke up startled and said, "What the Hell was that for?!"
I replied, "It was for your headache."
- "I don't have a Goddam headache!"

-- "Good! Let's Fuck!"

__________________________________________________

My wife was undressed and looking at her small breasts in the mirror. She was saying how she wished her boobs were bigger.
I stepped into the bathroom and returned with a handful of toilet paper. I told her to rub the TP between her titties.

Perplexed, she wanted to know what that was supposed to do for them.

I said, "Well, look what it's done to your ass over the years!"
 
G

Guest

Guest
Re: How fights start (for the married guys)

I came home from work and found my wife looking over travel brochures from far off and exotic places.

She said, "I want to go somewhere I've never been before. I want to experience new things."

I took her hand and led her into the kitchen.
 

birddog762

Sergeant
Belligerents
Minuteman
Mar 12, 2007
279
0
0
ct
Re: How fights start (for the married guys)

thanks for the laughs.some are way to close to reality.
 

BigJoe29

Gunny Sergeant
Belligerents
Dec 22, 2009
3,224
15
0
36
Hell
Re: How fights start (for the married guys)

LMAO those are awesome, god and so true
 

Victor N TN

Retired civilian fart
Belligerents
Feb 16, 2002
4,030
5
0
66
Knoxville TN
Re: How fights start (for the married guys)

This is probably just now hitting my wife's Inbox. I guess it'll be a cold sandwich for supper tonight.