Dumbest thing you had to do in the Military?

wyld3man

Private
Minuteman
Aug 18, 2017
77
51
24
FL
Oh, the dumbest thing of all isn't really funny, but SPENDEX. Blowing ammo through barrels as fast as you can just so they can order the same amount next year. Instead of training all year with it, it's all just blown in one big "spending exercise" where you stay at the range until it's all gone. What a fucking waste, and they don't do or say one damn thing about the shot out barrels they get out of this.
Unfortunately that is too common. I won’t take part in a spendex, neither will any of my guys. Last time I had someone tell me we had to go to the range and shoot a ton of ammo and get 0 training value but gain shot out barrels, I explained my point of view to them. The only reason that happens is the ammo requests were forecasted without a realistic training plan. Then at the end of the fiscal year the unit is stuck with a bunch of ammo, that can be turned in. The only issue with that is the unit is scared that it will effect their allotment for the next fiscal year. I have two things to say about that, prove it and if it is so then the ammo is obviously not needed so who cares.

Dumbest thing I did was edge a mile of sidewalk with a tent stake when there was a shovel available. The dipshit in charge wouldn’t let me use it, and I was not even in trouble, he was just being a prick.
 

Slash0311

Jo Jo the Gun Plumber
Belligerents
Feb 11, 2017
787
394
69
Southwest Indiana
Stand in a field wearing miles gear, in a lightning storm. Took over a hour to get four platoons miles gear shut off with the God gun.

Help my CO to a cab after he got pepper sprayed by the bouncer atva strip club in Jacksonville outside Camp LeJeune.

Was in the field for the last night of a big eval exercise. Me and the other Squad Leaders hatched a plan. Company was in a defensive perimeter with 25% watch. Officers knew when the OpFor attack was coming but we were awake and bored... bad Juju, for them. I "thought I saw movement." I popped a 203 flare. Squad of M60's opens up and all hell broke loose. Took about 10 minutes to get everyone to stop firing.

Can we go into stories of watching drunks? Or maybe drunk military stories should be a thread of its own...
 

ajv35XX

Random User
Belligerents
Dec 9, 2013
391
74
34
Stand in a field wearing miles gear, in a lightning storm. Took over a hour to get four platoons miles gear shut off with the God gun.

Help my CO to a cab after he got pepper sprayed by the bouncer atva strip club in Jacksonville outside Camp LeJeune.

Was in the field for the last night of a big eval exercise. Me and the other Squad Leaders hatched a plan. Company was in a defensive perimeter with 25% watch. Officers knew when the OpFor attack was coming but we were awake and bored... bad Juju, for them. I "thought I saw movement." I popped a 203 flare. Squad of M60's opens up and all hell broke loose. Took about 10 minutes to get everyone to stop firing.

Can we go into stories of watching drunks? Or maybe drunk military stories should be a thread of its own...
I can remember a drunk night outside Lejeune where a drunk buddy of mine almost got us jumped by 4-5 locals...I still don’t know what the hell he did but it went from 0-60 real quick and it took some major verbal judo to diffuse and get us the hell out of there (I’m 90% certain to this day those boys were packing)

Or when the Major started a forest fire firing off a pop-flare during a night land nav session and we all had to GTFO. Watching that sucker run through the NODS and telling the Major we needed to get out ASAP was a fun one
 

Slash0311

Jo Jo the Gun Plumber
Belligerents
Feb 11, 2017
787
394
69
Southwest Indiana
I just remembered "E-tool qualifications". Went like this...

Once in the field, new Marines would have to be E-tool qualified. We'd get a range NCO, an E-tool with the blade at 90 degrees to the handle, a quarter, and stump or log.

New Marine would kneel near the stump and be told to raise the E-tool overhead and slam it down trying to split the quarter. One attempt would be without a blindfold. After that fit hit, all tries would be blindfolded. The range NCO would remove the new Marine's cover and tie the blindfold. Then, as the E-tool was brought overhead, their cover would be put over the quarter causing them to chop the shit out of their cover.

Happened to me when I was getting a promotion and I had to use the range NCO's cover for the promotion ceremony.
 

Matches Malone

Private
Belligerents
Mar 6, 2017
121
3
22
SoCal
one of our Marines lost his NVGs before we were pushing out to our PB. After all was said and done I think he lost them in the porter shitter. Anyways we had to "look" for them for 9 hours scaouring our lot, shifting to the porter shitter...yes...in the shit... got our bags tossed, vics tossed, gear tossed etc. Just to never find them. Because the afghan shitter steve had already dumped the shitter when this dude got around to telling someone he was missing his shit.

another notable waste was when one of my boots pissed me off and i had him sweep the outside around the shop in one of those typical 29 palms sand storms.
 

WATERWALKER

0311 SHELLBACK
Belligerents
Apr 19, 2014
686
231
49
Deep in the Lone Star
I remember one of my platoon Sergeants asking us “Does anyone know how to clear multiple rows of concertina wire?” I was a fire team leader & I mentioned using wire cutters. This dumbass E-6 says “No.”. He explains that he’s going to open a flak jacket as wide as possible & dive on the concertina wire, thus creating a hole. Everyone else he says, will then run or jump over him. He borrows a flak jacket & runs toward the concertina wire & dives on top of it.

Immediately our plt sergeant starts screaming. Our corpsman races to him & has to cut a large piece of razor out of his face. This large piece of steel entered just below his eye & exited just to the outside of his eye. No loss of sight or permanent injury, but really, who didn’t see that coming?
 

Sean the Nailer

Sergeant
Belligerents
May 20, 2006
2,488
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Winnipeg, Mb.
I remember one of my platoon Sergeants asking us “Does anyone know how to clear multiple rows of concertina wire?” I was a fire team leader & I mentioned using wire cutters. This dumbass E-6 says “No.”. He explains that he’s going to open a flak jacket as wide as possible & dive on the concertina wire, thus creating a hole. Everyone else he says, will then run or jump over him. He borrows a flak jacket & runs toward the concertina wire & dives on top of it.

Immediately our plt sergeant starts screaming. Our corpsman races to him & has to cut a large piece of razor out of his face. This large piece of steel entered just below his eye & exited just to the outside of his eye. No loss of sight or permanent injury, but really, who didn’t see that coming?
What page of the training manual was THAT one in? I know WWI and WWII movies showed such, but they also showed Bangalore Torpedo's, too.
 

WATERWALKER

0311 SHELLBACK
Belligerents
Apr 19, 2014
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Deep in the Lone Star
I knew this response was coming, LOL. If it were a time of war I could certainly see it happening. This was after eating chow, sitting on our packs & doing nothing. An impromptu class on breaching wire.

I’d certainly agree that clearing wire w/ a Bangalore torpedo would be optimal, but this scenario was three strands of wire & getting through. Sorry, I should’ve been more clear in context.
 

Fig

Janitor of the Hide
Belligerents
Minuteman
Mar 15, 2018
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The Most Dangerous City in the USA
That probably wins unless someone has a story where a Sgt. demonstrated a catastrophic reserve chute failure.

Speaking of the training manual...
I don't think I've got anything quite that dumb, but I did have a Chief put us in the Chesapeake Bay, in January, in just UDT shorts to, "Teach you what it feels like". The manual requires a shorty wetsuit in water temps below 25c, and in water that cold it REQUIRES a dry suit. He had us run in, dunk our heads, and run out. It didn't even feel cold. It was just raw, from your toes to your teeth, pain.
 

DOA

Sergeant
Belligerents
Dec 20, 2009
399
169
49
CA
Rake the “grass” at 29Palms when in actuality was just dirt. That an saluting officers. Fuck that. I got in more trouble not saluting officers than anything else but they didn’t do shit because I was always up for meritorious promotions.
 

bigdaddydmd

Sergeant of the Hide
Belligerents
Sep 30, 2010
281
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Phoenix, AZ
Watched a couple of my soldiers try and navigate thru a 10 row concertina wire roadblock. Smart boys built it from the nearside to the far side over a two lane vehicle bridge and once they were done realized they were stuck on the far side of the obstacle. Rather than hump the long way around or cross the creek a couple got the smart idea that they could balance beam their way thru it on the row of concrete dividers that separated the two lanes. It went down as exactly as you imagine. One made it across. The next wasn't' the most graceful and happened to be the E5 in charge of the team that built it backwards in the first place. He got about halfway, teetered back and forth and did the most amazing back flop into the wire once he lost his balance. It took us a while to cut thru that damn thing and get him out. some lacerations but nothing major or life threatening. His IBA and ACH took most of the damage, but damn was he caught up. Best part is I have it all on video.

Dumbest thing I ever had to do was sit on an OP at Yakima Training grounds and watch the impact range fire burn itself out over the course of 24 hrs. I may or may not have been the one responsible for starting the fire in the first place. Was supposed to do a coordinated illum/HE mission that night but used up all the HE during the morning fulfilling call for fire training with the scout sniper platoon. Had 6 illum rounds left that were opened and couldn't be returned. In a lapse of judgment as a young 1LT I didn't want to sit on a firing point for the whole day in the summer just to drop 6 illum rounds at night for zero training since the scouts had already headed back to post. I may or may not have decided that firing the illum at 1300 was a great idea, but knew the old man was out and about so came up with the brilliant plan to crank the timers so they didn't pop until after they had impacted the dirt so he wouldn't see them floating down in the middle of the day. Who knew that cranking the timer all the way over on 81mm illum rounds and them not igniting until they were well into the dry grass of the impact range would start a fire? Sitting on the OP watching a fire while all the other boys got to drink beer in the rear was a well deserved punishment so I can't say its the dumbest thing I ever did, but the way I ended up sitting on that OP is the dumbest thing I ever did in the military.